Behold...

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept. And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh. (Matt. 25: 1-13)

The past few weeks I've been reminded of how much my life resembles the parable of the ten virgins. I am, without a doubt, more like the foolish virgins who forgot to plan ahead and bring extra oil to keep vigil. I am much more likely to do the bare minimum, and then mooch off of/rely on others in time of emergency. I've always had this tendency. In school, all the way through college, I procrastinated. Sometimes my professors would mercifully push deadlines for me so I could get a decent grade. I skated by a lot, sometimes to an unfair extent, when even I knew I didn't deserve it.

I've really tried to work on my absentmindedness and procrastination since becoming a mom. But these past few weeks I've come up against some glaring oversights; forgotten expirations, deadlines and disciplines which are really kicking me in the toosh right now. I know that God is merciful; He has been my sole source of peace these past few days. However, I can't help but wonder if, in the End, I'll truly be found worthy of Paradise, or if like the foolish virgins, I will indeed get what I ultimately deserve.

I know that God is merciful. In my heart of hearts, I know it to be true. I just don't ever want to abuse His mercy or use it as an excuse to skate by, doing the bare minimum.

So far, I haven't gotten to attend very many Lenten services. However, I feel like God is pointing out some huge weaknesses of mine... weaknesses I've always had... that I've been very inattentive to for much too long. *sigh* Proof that there is no such thing as "reaching the top" of spiritual perfection. It's always, always a struggle.

Kyrie Eleison