Life with Four

I'm still standing!  I have had several attempts at blogging, only to be disappointed by my apparent inability to upload photos here.  I'm not sure what that's about.  I apologize for the lack of photos!  Photos of my sweet cherubs to come soon :)  

I can't believe I haven't posted since Maria was born.  Then again, I CAN believe it, because "four" is really kicking my tush.  I'm realizing more and more that the life of a mom is a lot like a game of chess; there's a lot of strategy and pre-planning.  Like that kid in the Bobby Fischer chess movie (which I recently watched with Job)... I have to think about twelve moves ahead before I make my next move, i.e.   Does that make sense?

Gee, I've been a mom for nearly seven years now, you'd THINK I already figured that out by now.  Nope.  I'm a very slow learner. AND I hate planning.  I've always been a more "live in the moment" kind of girl-- why spend my life pre-packing a diaper bag an hour before departure when there are things to sew, Zzzz's to catch, roses to sniff, clouds to watch, blogs to write, e-mails to check, blogs to read, you know?

Maybe it's the big 3-0 birthday quickly approaching... maybe it's having four children who each have distinct, persistent needs... but I'm humbled by my own sense of entitlement and selfishness.  Their daily struggles force me to look at my own shortcomings, and all of the good and bad things I model for them.  Oftentimes my own childishness becomes apparent as I attempt to correct and guide them.  It's humbling. 

I marvel at the way other women seem to instinctively know how to manage their time and priorities, juggling family, home, work, school, etc., and here I am just learning so much as I go.  There is a lot less "free time/ me time" these days, but it is oddly liberating, since my desire for "sewing time" usually leaves me agitated and distracted, consuming my thoughts.  It was only this week that I finally released a bit of hot air from my ego-inflated head when it came to Christmas gifts.  Originally I had set out to sew at least half, if not more, than all of our Christmas gifts this year.  Such a tall order seemed completely normal for me, and I looked forward to defying the odds---with a 2 month old, mind you!-- and pulling through with my HANDMADE CHRISTMAS EXTRAVAGANZA!!!  this year.  Then I realized that I haven't really enjoyed Christmas or the Christmas season at ALL for about 3 or 4 years... a.k.a.... since I seriously began to sew.  Hmmm.  Correlation? Thank God for a husband who quietly, year after year, waited for me to make this realization.  I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE!  Seriously! 

This Nativity season, I want to actually like being with my kids, my family.  I don't want to be preoccupied with sewing projects.  I want the focus to be on Christ's birth, and to embrace the Nativity fast with simplicity and thankfulness.

2012 was a bit of a fog for me.  Most likely because I spent 3/4 of it in a pregnancy haze!  My twenties in general seemed to be a big haze, with more changes than EVER-- mostly good, and all of them worth learning from.  I enter into my 30th year with--hopefully-- a better sense of who I am in Christ... essentially a child, still attempting to trudge along the narrow path, in need of God's mercy and healing more now than ever.  Glory to God-- it's not a bad place to be!