Hitting a bit of a slump. There are cheerios on the carpet, non-perishable grocery items to put away in appropriate places, and clothes to tuck into drawers. It's not that I'm hyper-vigilant about these things anyway, but usually I at least feel a good dose of guilt when I'm not tending to these things. Right now I'm not really feeling that guilt. Well, okay, now I'm feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.... hmm.. Maybe I'm just experiencing the repurcussions of going on "vacation" (see previous post) and allowing myself to daydream about living an exciting life. Or at least a different life. Yeah, I'm sure that's it. See, this is why I don't travel. It's too much of a double-edged sword.
I'm finding it difficult to feel fulfilled by what I do. Motherhood can be monotonous and thankless. Sure, the "thanks" are probably more nonverbal than verbal... I feel it when V. smiles at me and shows me she's learning a new concept. I feel it when I leave her with Daddy during a quick errand, and I'm welcomed home with a big hug from my baby girl. I make sure that the two other people under this roof are fed and clothed and in a (somewhat) clean environment. It'd difficult to fight the temptation to think that I'm not "doing anything important," though.
At V.'s baptism back in August, I received a book from my godmother that helped me understand my purpose and my role as a new mom. It was written by an evangelical woman... and it turned out to be very encouraging when I first read from it a few months back. So last night I pulled it out again, hoping it would steer me away from an oncoming "mom slump." But for some reason this time I came away feeling a bit intimidated. The opening chapters talk a lot about creating a lovely, welcoming home environment, to make your "dream home" come into reality. Well, maybe I have expensive taste, but I don't think my dream home will ever materialize. And I certainly don't want a mortgage payment and expensive furnishings to be my end-all goal in life. Call me nutso.
Well, well, well, I should probably stop my belly-aching. It's just difficult to know what I should and shouldn't want out of life. It's difficult to dream without getting my hopes up for nothing. It's hard to have goals knowing they won't actually materialize for a few years... probably after the kid(s) are much older.
Walking out of the grocery store today, I noticed an older woman walking towards her robin's egg blue convertible VW Beetle (newer version). It was parked next to my dusty subaru wagon. I silently admired the Beetle, with it's top down, exposing a litter-free interior and a cluster of daisies in the customary-to-Beetles built-in vase on the dash. As we both approached our cars, I said, with probably too much wistfulness in my sighing voice, "That must be such a fun car to drive." The woman smiled as she placed her groceries in the backseat. She glanced at me, holding V., and replied, "Yes, but I couldn't have had it with one of those" referring to my baby. She said it with the confidence of a well-experienced mom. I'm sure she had put in her time with the minivans and the carpools and the littered backseats.
I drove away realizing that everyone is in different seasons in their life. I'm in a season where it's my job to look after everyone else and to simply accept things as they are. To take care of other people and not get too anxious about "my desires" and dreams. That will come, one day. And I just need to be patient until then. Lord have mercy.
5 comments:
All us Moms go through this one way or another and usually at more than one point. I think it's taken me, ohhh....6 years to settle into motherhood. And I'm sure something will happen along the way to make me reconsider it again.
You can do little things to accomplish your goals. I want a better garden...so each year I add another container or two and a few more inches in one of our "yards." I really wouldn't worry too much about the housecleaning, may the flylady forgive me, you'll have plenty of time for a spotless house later!
God bless...I'll pray for you.
neepeople Laura
I think I'm in a mommy slump too. I also think Xavier's actually teething so that doesn't help! You can do it!! :)
I know how you feel.
But it does get better and easier.
Somedays the housework just seems like a relentless treadmill .
Wait till the baby is a little older, then housework becomes a delight when she asks to help, and copies you. Abby is now a whizz at sorting dirty laundry, putting it in the machine, and pouring the powder for me. I don`t let her operate the dials because I would like my clothes to stay the same size, LOL.
From about 18 months she liked to help wash dishes with me, dust and vacuum, which made it all more fun for me as I was spending time doing things with her.
I think there is something to the phenomenon of the "quarter life crisis" -- there comes a moment in one's late 20s/early 30s where one wakes up and realizes that the never ending financial struggles, the soul-deadening corporate job or homemaking tasks, and all the chaos and exhaustion of family life are far more demanding and, quite frankly, not as fulfilling as one was lead to believe via the media, other adults, one's family, and one's own naive expectations.
I chuckle inwardly now when people ask me things like, "Are you going to go back to school and get your Master's?" I used to say, "Oh, I hope so!"....but now I say, "I honestly don't know. I doubt it." The truth is, I'm having a hard time even remembering "dreams" I had 2,5,10 years ago. It is enough to simply get through each day now; which, I'm realizing, is probably better for me anyway. Jesus disappeared from the pages of the Gospels between the ages of 12-30, quietly working and growing in the silence of an anonymous life of jobs, family, and tasks. God will allow us to emerge from that time in our life too.....although it will be to take up an even larger cross, of course. Let's hope this current time in our lives prepares us for that.
just out of curiosity, which book were you given by your godmother? at my last church, i think all we read was self-help type books like that. wonder if i read it. ;)
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