The price of acceptance.

Yesterday I had an opportunity to meet up with two of my long-time friends. We met for "Happy Hour" at a grill in Portland where our other friend works. I'd never been to a happy hour before.

I was sort of annoyed at first, because happy hour falls at such an awkward time of the day. I had to battle after-school traffic, buses and SUVs et. all. Then I got lost finding my way through an unfamiliar part of Portland, arriving one hour late! Thankfully, oh thankfully, my friends did not razz me about being so tardy. Trust me, all throughout high school I was chronically late and I ALWAYS got teased (and rightfully so, being that it was mostly my own laziness at fault). But this time the circumstances were out of my control, so my friends were merciful in their remarks.

I enjoyed some half-priced food and iced tea (no alcohol, don't worry!) and just catching up with my friends. As a married and pregnant woman, it felt good to be "included" in the whole "happy hour scene" that I've missed out on, since I don't live directly in the city and I never really drank before I was pregnant.

But the hours passed quickly. Soon it was 6:00 pm... Oh no, Great Compline is beginning... what do I do?... I could have excused myself, but instead I ordered a refill on my iced tea and continued chatting...

Oh Lord and Master of my life, a spirit of idleness, curiosity, ambition and idle talk give me not...

It's peculiar how getting together with old friends brings out the gossip in me. Honestly, how can I conduct a manner of conversation that doesn't delve into the personal lives of others? The words of the St. Isaac's prayer echoed in my mind. I had the power to stop, why wasn't I?

7:00 rolled around, and I knew that if I left I could make it to church for the second half of the service. Better some than none. But I thought, "How often do I get to hang out with my friends? Once the baby comes, I'll NEVER get to see them..."

But give rather a spirit of chastity, humility, patience and love to thy servant.

Just before 8:00 rolled around, our drinks were sipped dry. Our check had arrived, and our conversation had waned. Watches were glanced at. We smiled, hugged eachother and parted ways.

I somehow made my way back to church without getting lost. I had to pick up Job (he was able attend the services). When I arrived, Father was finishing the first "Basics in Orthodoxy" class for catechumens, inquirers and any of the faithful who desired to listen in.

Yeah O Lord and King, grant me to see my own failings and not to condemn my brother, for blessed art thou unto the ages of ages Amen.

As Father discussed the role of the Holy Spirit in the Trinity, I struggled with my own thoughts. I thought of the great importance of Lent and how I had failed to make it my priority that evening. I thought of my own hypocritical behavior, and how the faith that I claim was not made evident. Not in my words at least. As I sat and listened with the inquirers, catechumens and the faithful, the words of St. Isaac's prayer resounded again in my mind.

Yeah O Lord and King, grant me to see my own failings and not to condemn my brother, for blessed art thou unto the ages of ages Amen.

Lent certainly has a way of pointing out our weaknesses. Up until this year, my weaknesses were made evident in abstaining from meat and dairy-- "oh what a struggle!"--I'd say to myself. But this year, since I don't have to fast due to my pregnancy, other weaknesses are made more apparent. After a while, abstaining from meat and dairy actually became easy, routine.

If only gossip, idle talk, idle curiosity and pride were so easy to abstain from. Each year I seem to realize just how much further I have yet to go in my spiritual life. I'm climbing the ladder... but for each step forward I take two, three, four steps back. Oh Lord, please grant me a long life, for there is much repentance I've yet to do.