Two more weeks until I graduate. Two more weeks until Pascha. Then, my dual partisanship between college demands and church life will come to a happy end. Of course, my partisanship between church life and job and family will begin, but something tells me there'll be a little more leniency in this next chapter.
I have a job interview at the local public library on Friday. Please pray for me! It is only a 10-hr. a week job, but it pays well and I'd get to work with kids.
There is also another job possibility that I'm excited about... but it needs more prayer as some wedding plans/honeymoon logistics might prove to be obstacles. *sigh*
I'm experiencing a strange mingling of joy and great disappointment (in myself). Today at chapel all of the scholastic departments honored their "outstanding senior students." Hearing about all of these brains and their prestigious grad school plans, job opportunities, immense ingenuity, made me feel so lazy and dumb. I scolded myself for not working harder, for not making better connections with the professors. Even with my current work-study job, I've gotten two warnings in the past two weeks about my "punctuality" issues. Well boss, thanks for telling me now that I'm graduating in two weeks. This would have been a little more helpful if it had been brought to my attention the first eighty times I was late for work. Sorry, that probably sounded a little more vengeful than I should have let on.
I'm not feeling much like a grown-up. I feel very incompetent. Not exactly stuff I'll likely mention in my upcoming job interviews...
But there are more important things in life. Although I did not recieve any awards today, I did recieve a kind word from--of all people--my racquetball teacher. While waiting my turn to play a round of racquetball, we were chatting about majors and careers, etc. He told me, "I think you should be a missionary."
Granted, my racquetball coach does not know me all that well oustide of the class context. To him, I'm just a wise-cracking, tardy senior who needs p.e. credit. But for a second I was brought back to my "single" days, when I seriously contemplated Orthodox mission work in a third world country. And I smiled. Then I remembered something important, and told him in response, "Every Christian is a missionary." And it's true. There are many Orthodox seeds to be planted here in America. However, holding little babies, working in a foreign village, living a simple life, and teaching others about Truth is still very, very appealing (although I don't want to romanticize it either). Whatever God wills for Job and I.
I'm rambling now, but yesterday I read a story in the New York Times about a rapidly spreading virus in Africa. I read of one talented Italian woman pediatrician who treated the diseased and dying, only to die herself a few weeks later of the same illness. I just thought it was amazing. Beautiful and amazing. Joyful sorrow.
In other news, Job's brother, Dave is now engaged to Carice (pronounced kareese), his girlfriend of almost two years, who is also one of my roommates :) I'm very happy for them, and it's hard to believe I'm gaining another sister...! Wow! They will wed in October at the local Friends church. Congratulations to the happy couple! :)
I'm doing a great job of avoiding my daily duties... i.e. my hair is still wrapped in a towl waiting to be dried, homework waits to be completed and my belly (the gluttonous mistress) demands a grain or two of food... so I should go now.
I leave you will one last quote, which I find great comfort and wisdom in. This is for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ who have really had to give up something "wonderful" for the Orthodox Faith. Food, drink, family, friend, love, passion, posessions, jobs, talent, money, freedom, control--laid aside for one reason. May God bless you as you continue to "decrease".
"I sacrificed everything even before I had anything. I sacrificed a place at the university as a professor. I sacrificed the position of first secretary of the Holy Synod. I sacrificed the position of director of a missionary brotherhood. I sacrificed the position of first priest of a large church. I sacrificed episcopal thrones... [A]ll I have is a little epitrahili* so as to confess ten souls. Nothing else! --Elder Epiphanios of Mt. Athos
*Epitrahili: in Greek, literally, "upon the neck." It is the stole that the priest or bishop wears around his neck when hearing confession.
6 comments:
Hang in there Katie! You will make it and you will realize that there is never really a time that you have to "feel like a grown up" because you just are one (at least people consider me a grown up and I have yet to feel that way! :o) I felt the same way about graduating from Whitman, like all these people in my class have already found great jobs and applied to grad school and worked with professors, what have I been doing? When just getting through was enough of a challenge for me. I will keep you in my prayers for the upcoming job interviews...I feel very much the same way as you right now as I graduate on Holy Saturday too! What are we going to do when we wake up on Monday and are done?? Well, we will both look for jobs!! (o:
I always feel like that at the honors chapel too...
I only went this year to watch Hinkle go up! :)
I find myself saying "the professors are not God, the professors are not God..."
;)
Meika,
Yes, what will we do when we wake up on Monday and, not only be done with school, but also with Lent, etc.? That will be strange, very strange...
Thank you, though, for your encouragement and prayers! I really appreciate it. I have to remind myself that, yes, getting through college is a major accomplishment in itself!
:)
Espana,
You're right, the professors have no real way of calculating your worth or skill. It's funny how, as I went through my schooling, I really relied on the praise of my teachers and profs to estimate my self-worth. But I'm now realizing that they too are simply humans who have struggles of their own, and they don't have the time to build up my self-esteem or grant me praise and attention.
Monday night, after I wrote this blog entry, Steve and I were driving to church. I was still kind of downcast, and I said, "All I want to do is paint, read, write, and be a mom!" and he said, "Well, didn't you get to do all of those things in college?" And he was right. As an RA, I got to be a "mom," I got to major in Art and minor in writing/lit...
I got to do what I want to do for the rest of my life! Pretty cool... Thanks Steve :)
I too have had a lot of struggles, feeling like I'm not good at anything (Katie you know this all to well :P). I think it is something we all struggle with her and there. Thanks for posting that quote it is really good and helpful to remember that the glory this world offers doesn't really amount to much.
Love you lots sweetie :)
This has been one of my thoughts and struggles this Lent. I recently read an article on despondency and despair. The author used the Early Church Fathers examples of how to combat those feelings, and the primary way was by detachment. We must learn and work to detach ourselves from things (what people say, what we do for a living, etc) so that our "worth" is viewed through God's eyes. Not the eyes or measurement of the world (what grade we got on a paper, what our prof may have said or not said, etc.) This is hard to do because it is pounded into us from birth
Katie
Anyone viewing your art show- could not deny that you are a person of great depth and talent and sensitivity. Anyone observing you teaching your 10 wiggly pre-schoolers in Sunday School, could not deny that you are gifted with children.
And anyone spending 5 minutes with you- walks away feeling better, because of the grace your kindness imparts. Ok, maybe no public awards......
but you demonstrate an inner peace- that you Genuinely are You. I hope you can grow to rest in that!!! ( and also grow in punctuality!!!)Love you- mom
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