Self Sufficiency-- myth or actuality?

Yesterday morning the chewberts were up early, early. Since it was also Job's birthday, and I had to finish his present, I rolled out of bed with the intention of sewing a bit and entertaining the kids while he slept a bit more. As I was sewing, suddenly the power went out. Zip--there it went. Our power here in our neighborhood has been a little iffy lately... which is something you wouldn't expect during the peak of "summer" (I use that term loosely, as it has been a very grey summer).

We waited for an hour for the power to return. The longer I waited, the more I worried. What if the power never returns? What if I can't bake Job's birthday desserts? What if I can't vacuum and run the dishwasher? No hot water? ... and on and on and on. As you see, it doesn't take much to get me worrying in a big way.

The biggest temptation to fret about, though, was the "forever" problem. What if this is it? What if we suddenly lost power and it was never regained? What if this is the pinnacle of the escalated economic/ energy crisis and we're now entering into some kind primitive Middle Ages-like period of plagues and horror and whatnot.

Oh man, I thought, it's too late to buy some property in the middle of nowhere and cook my food over a woodstove and till the earth with my own hands and be self-sufficient. Why can't we do it right, like SouleMama?

The concept of living a self-sustaining lifestyle is a popular one these days. It appeals to many, many forward-thinking folks of my generation, not just for the organic/local food and romantic appeal, but also out of the possibility of necessity.... one is left to wonder-- will a self-sustaining lifestyle become a necessity one day, in a post-economic crash world?

If the answer is yes, then those who are fortunate enough to live lives independent of Costco and Fred Meyer/ Kroger will be in good shape. The rest of us? Those of us who have techies for husbands instead of farmers? Those of us with black thumbs and a lack of DIY experience?

The reality is, though, that whether I'm relying on electricity or relying on my own two hands to wash my clothes, make my food, etc.--it makes no difference if I'm not doing it unto God's glory. If I'm not taking care of what I have with thankfulness and a sense of stewardship, then it is all in vain. I could fret and hoard and covet while living out in the boonies, just as much as I do in the suburbs. No matter where I live, if I'm not leading a life that is faithful and reliant on God, than I am indeed living the lie of "self-sufficiency" and working in vain. My life is wrought with worrying and anxiety, which stems from relying entirely on my own strength. It's a truth that even the most bucolic and gorgeous surroundings and rustic lifestyle couldn't alleviate.

The Mt. Athos program on 60 Minutes gave prime-time America a glimpse of the monastic life. One can see how the monks work towards a truly self-sufficient lifestyle that has been unchanged for centuries. Someone watching may think, in light of the popular, current-day concepts of self-reliance and sustainability-- hey, these guys are living it out! Cool! In reality, though, it can't be done without God. In the context of a faithful Orthodox Christian community, in a way that is not easy or to be idolized. Monastics labor for their brother, and ultimately for Christ. It is a difficult life, but it bears fruit, and God blesses it. Just as in family life, it is dying to oneself, commitment and thankfulness that bears fruit and is blessed by God.

A month or two ago I read "Radical Homemakers", and when I did, it really rocked my world. Everything sounded great; grow a garden, bake some bread, make some jam, barter some zucchini for a bike-tune up. We're all feelin' the love, and we're all gonna survive. While I am entirely encouraged by the concept of reclaiming domesticity and finding real worth and importance there, it might be the overall tone of "self-sufficiency" that gives me a bit of a bad aftertaste. Because what happens when... the newness of the lifestyle has worn off? What if your neighbor doesn't like you, and would rather douse his lawn in chemicals than trade fresh-grown produce? What if your husband and kids would rather NOT tend chickens? Looks like we're back to square one with the very basics: dying to self, loving our neighbor, and working on living a thankful life so that we may glorify God and acquire His grace and the fruits of the spirit.

It reminds me that quote in Wall-E, when the doughy co-pilot decides he wants to leave the over-protective, presumed "safety" of the spaceship and return to earth, "I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE." On a spiritual level, we can become so consumed with survival that we forget to truly LIVE our lives for God. We forget our spiritual life, and no longer exercise our faith and our reliance on the One who gives wisdom, strength and love throughout all adversity. It is, of course, important to be responsible and to meet the practical needs of life. No doubt about that. But whether your a monk on Mt. Athos, a housewife in suburban America, or a farmer working at providing your own means and food-- living a life of faithfulness and prayer, of vigilance and love... these attract God's goodness, and we are strengthened beyond measure to make it through the good and the bad. Because truly, we can't do anything on our own strength. Otherwise we'll burn out under that delusion (hello, America! We are country of stressed, burnt out people, and you have to wonder why...).

So what happened yesterday? Thank God, the power did return. I was humbled from the realization that so much of my contentedness and happiness is reliant on things and appliances and stuff. Obviously, I'm no expert on the subject of joy and acquiring the fruits of the spirit. I'm continually falling of the very bottom rung of the ladder, humbled (humilated?) by the discovery of my numerous spiritually malignant tumors, old and new alike. How can I ever be free of these maladies?

And so the struggle continues... but thankfully, God is continually reaching out to us, helping us learn and grow (even despite thick-headedness, if you're anything like me). He has given us all the tools necessary to work towards healing and wholeness, and they are found in the Church, the hospital of the soul. I know I haven't blogged for quite some time, but I hope that you are all well, and I hope you find encouragement and are continuing to fight the good fight.