Hey, thanks so much to all of you who responded to my previous post on parenting. I was hesitant to write about it for so long, but I have been very encouraged by your comments.
I'm in full agreement with all of you regarding parenthood... whether you were or are an intentional AP follower, or kinda "fell" into it or don't necessarily practice it. Yes, like anything and everything, AP can definitely become to some people an extreme or as Christina put it "a pseudo-religion." It's easy to become pharasaical (sp?) about it, or to think that it's all about wearing slings and breastfeeding well into adolescence. But even Dr. Sears reminds us in The Baby Book that AP is mainly about using common sense and intuition; something that I think most moms (and dads) are usually pretty attuned to anyways.
I am fascinated with babies who naturally put themselves on a schedule. I wonder if there's a correlation between infants who sort of naturally go by a schedule and women who work regular hours and live a fairly regularly scheduled life during their pregnancy? Because even though I worked during my pregnancy, I did not work regular hours and there really wasn't any order or routine to my daily life... and V. really doesn't function on a fixed routine (or even a loose routine, which at times can be frustrating). Hmm... any thoughts?
The only real tenant of AP that I planned on doing was baby-wearing. Everything else was up in the air-- although I certainly was NOT going to let our baby sleep in the bed with us! hehehe. Yeah, as you can imagine, that isn't the way it worked out. And then in regards to breastfeeding, when I was pregnant I tentatively planned to nurse V. until she was 10 months. Now she is 9 months and I have no plans to wean her in the next four weeks. In fact, there's no real end in sight. I'll most likely continue to nurse her until baby no. 2 comes along, whenever that may be!
Sara, I agree with you and your comment on the effectiveness of AP as a child grows up. Now that V. is getting older and more strong-willed, it's really hard to know when and where "meeting her needs" runs in with "giving in to her every whim." I'm struggling with that right now.
One thing is for sure, though, and that is what Susan (an experienced mom of three and yia yia to four!) shared: babies are always changing and just when you think you "know" them, they change! Amen to that!
8 comments:
I think it could very well be that babies who put themselves on a schedule are just type A personalities. I think that's something that's inate and doesn't have anything to do with how he/she is parented. You'll find out when you have your second how the same type of parenting can produce very different results! And yes, I agree with Susan that you can't ever figure everything out. Once I accepted that, life was much easier for me. I'd also been taught that parents have to be very consistent, and that there's one right way to parent a child. It's just not so. Inconsistency can be a good thing.
BTW, I keep meaning to say that I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts on the subject of AP! And how your ideas evolve as your little one grows and you add more to the flock. And I'll try not to be too overbearing in my opinion! ;-)
Hi it's Jen! I just came across this while wasting some time.
I always like talking about AP parenting so I think your idea is great, hehe. I actually think of attatchment parenting as a great way to figure out what works best for the family as a whole (in other words, considering that babies are humans too and have legitimate needs). I think Dr Sears is great because he gives parents permission to try things (co-sleeping, lots of holding etc) that they were probably told never to do.
I am not a schedule person, wasn't when I was working and preggo with Noah and he was not as a small baby, but got into a pretty regular napping routine around 7 months or so. Then he changed to one nap a day at a year, but was pretty regular. Hannah fell into a pattern for naps sooner, but I think that was becasue there was more structure already in place because of Noah. I never paid attention to nursing schedules, I have no idea if they were regular with this.
See you soon!
Love, Jen Frey
Funny, but I don't agree at all with the AP thing. I think it is too child-centered.
While I know that sounds contrary to what most people think but hear me out.
One thing I have noticed as a mom of two grown children is how much more self-centered children are. Everything is about them. Why is that? IMHO, it is because that is how they were taken care of as wee ones.
It is NOT all about them. It is our responsiblity as a parent to raise our children to be functioning, responsible, law abiding citizens of the community. They need to learn that life does not revolve around them. It is our job as parents to 'spin the child away' from the parent not into the parent. Our children do not belong to us. They belong to God (which I know you know).
Thus my kids were taught to sleep alone, were on a schedule as best as possible, learned to play alone as well as socialize.
Each of my children are very different personalities thus required very different parenting styles. One was more needy than the other as various times in their babyhood and toddler years. However, they have grown into adults that are quite independent.
These are just a few thoughts. I would suggest you purchase John Rosemond's books. He is excellent. What I especially like about him is he doesn't make money off the fact that he is a Christian. He is very down to earth and right on the money.
Hugs from a BTDT Mom
Parenting is so mind blowing, isn't it? I agree with Sara as well, about how AP is great for babies and young toddlers, but at a certain point, it's time to lay down the law to avoid what Phillipa had described as how self-centered children are. I'd have to disagree to an extent, though, most AP'ed young children I have met are the most caring and empathetic children. My friends who babywised their infants (that weren't natural crib sleepers), have much more selfish children (from what I have observed only)who tend to cling to their things more, get all out of whack when they are not on their schedule, and generally seem to be more difficult. As a baby grows older, it is hard to know when to snap out of the responsivenes AP instills in us and not allow the little one to be the only person the family revolves around. I don't think the way we nurture our children is the only factor in how selfish or unselfish they become though. Just watch an hour of telivision.
In my personal experience, APing saved my bond with my dd. After a disappointing birth experience, leaving me very upset, maybe a bit depressed, I think putting myself and my high needs new baby on a schedule would have set me up for failure and further depression. It was great for bfing and I found it very empowering. My parents and others were sometimes really judgemental about the way I was with my dd and even made rude remarks and asked me when I was going to start giving her formula and getting her to sleep in her crib, but I was able to brush those comments aside and know that my instincts were right in how to care for my baby. Now that she is getting older, she is 50% out of our bed :) and I think is getting more and more ready to go into her own room, I have no problems telling her no, leaving a store without a treat, etc. But my point is, it worked for us. I may use AP differently for the next baby. Heck,if he sleeps great by himself, I'm not going to force him to be in bed with us!
I must confess, I have been a bit self-righteous at times about my parenting style, and judgmental of others. But I think the judgement train goes both ways. I'm finding I'm a little less zealous about it now and have stopped giving out information on how bad formula is to every bottle feeding parent I see out in public - JUST KIDDING!!! :)
Jen here again. I know some very self-centered who were raised in anything BUT an AP home and I know AP raised people who are wonderful, giving, patient people. I think some people who choose AP are afraid to be firm with their toddlers and that is a problem. So is pushing a child away though. I see the whole point of AP parenting is to maintain a healthy bond between parent and child while teaching important life skills as well.
I agree with all points of view (hows that for a peacemaker, eh?) I think that AP can be taken too far, as can scheduling.
And, I agree with Elizabeth think it could very well be that babies who put themselves on a schedule are just type A personalities. I think that's something that's inate
The whole thing about parenting is it is a lot like living a Christian life, you try something you think will work, you fall down, you get up again, you fall down, you get up again...and somehow (hopefully) you are loved in the end.
Katie, et al.
If you will pardon a father butting in to the conversation for a brief moment...
We have a two year old daughter and have found AP enormously successful with her. I attribute this to two main reasons:
One, we were firm in our resolve to love & bond with our baby no matter the cost to us, yet flexible in our application of AP principles. Intentional love was the goal and many things AP meshed well with that goal. AP was not the end but a means.
Two, we combined the nurturing and bonding elements of AP with a firm attempt to communicate boundaries. We talked to her constantly (in full sentences, not baby talk) and we taught her sign language as a small infant. This continues to reap huge relational rewards as we transition into less of a visible "AP" style (e.g. she sleeps in her own room 90% of the time, she breastfeeds only a few minutes a day for comfort only, etc). Because we did AP in the beginning, she knows in her gut that her base needs will be met. And because we communicate with her she knows her place in the family, obeys us (most of the time!), and copes well with change.
Just like in the Xtian life, we need to evaluate our motives for what we do as parents and make love the end rather than some ideology. If we AP, is it because we'd rather spend our energy on our children rather than our spouse (a HUGE temptation of the AP lifestyle, by the way)? If we don't AP, is it because we secretly resent our infant's authentic needs and their claim on our time? Are we rigid in our application of AP because we feel guilty or want to be "rebellious"? If we don't AP, is it to "fit in" with family expectations or the culture at large? And so on.
The question I have to ask myself is this: Am I doing what love requires? Let's pray for each other that we are doing that, no matter what "style" or "tactics" we each employ.
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