This is my second post today, so don't forget to scroll down and check out my last one :)
This post is on envy and the two directions it can pull you towards. The other day I had the surprise pleasure of spending some time with my dear friend Amy. She was one of bridesmaids, and we've been friends since the third grade. Well, we had a good conversation on jealousy.
I've been dealing with envy in a very unhealthy way. Basically, I've been denying that I envy anyone, period. Here's how I did it.
You see, I used to think that there was only one way to be jealous. And that was to look at someone's good fortune, size 2 waistline, huge diamond ring, designer purse collection (whatever), and say "Gee! I wish I had that! I'm gonna pout about it and save my pennies until I can buy something that TOPS that!"
But, in my conversation with my friend, I realized that I suffer from a very different kind of envy. Whereas the aforementioned form of envy brings you to covet and pout and become greedy, the other path of envy takes you in a different direction.
You look at someone's huge income, brand new SUV, superior wardrobe, whatever, and you say to yourself "Ha! I don't need THOSE things, therefore I am better than him/her." Do you see how this path can be almost, of not more, dangerous that the first? Because when you deal with envy in this manner, you never ever come to terms with your jealousy. Instead, it is hidden, repressed, and buried deeply. Pride sets in, and suddenly I am the better man/woman for not having these worldly goods-- for not NEEDING these worldly goods.
I think this form of thinking started at very young age for me. Because I didn't grow up with lots of money, I had to "better" myself in the face of jealousy. If someone had a new box of crayons, or new doll, or a new toy, I dealt with my envy in a different manner. I knew I couldn't have what they had, so I'd pat myself on the back and "play the martyr," in a sense. If someone was better at me in art or sports, then I had to quickly justify myself...
In many ways, you'd think it'd just be easier to look envy in the face when it arises, and deal with it. Whether that be pouting for 5 minutes or daydreaming it was you on that trip to *insert dream destination here*, and not so and so... But the way I've been dealing with envy has been in a destructive silence which I'm finally coming to terms with now. It's scary and ugly, and I don't want to deal with it. I'd much rather bury my childish jealousies and deem myself the "better man" for it. But it is only through Christ that I will be healed, and He's been waiting for me to bring this issue to Him for 22 years.
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.
4 comments:
I wonder where the term " Green with envy" came about? What ever it is- it is definitely something I am faced with almost daily. (ie. taking Matt to school and noticing all the shiny new cars surrounding me in the school parking lot... and that's the kids cars!! Or how about the quick trip to CostCo- and then only to be faced with an onslaught of material goods I think I cannot live without!! But the trick is...do I linger with the envious thoughts- or do I cultivate a thankful heart for all of God's blessings showered on me. Green with envy- or the "green pastures" of our merciful God. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!! love-mom
What an excellent point, XK!
Good post Xenia. A lot to think about.
"Ha! I don't need THOSE things, therefore I am better than him/her."
Very familiar. I've been on both extremes in the last decade. "I don't need those things, AND I am worse than him/her" seems to be closer to the ideal from what I understand.
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