I have a problem. When I don't like certain people, I tend to scream at them in my mind. Everything in my being withers when they are around. I almost ache. I shut down, I don't talk. I'm not myself. I'm rude. I'm unloving. And I couldn't hate myself more than when I'm acting like this. There is no peace.
Hmm... can you tell that I just spent my first Christmas with the "in-laws"?
As much as I love them, it's tough for me to adjust to new family. I can easily love my friends, my immediate family and my church family, because we all come from some common cloth. We might have the same background growing up, or share the same interests, or worship in the same beautiful Faith. But what about in-laws who really share none of the above? Suddenly it's like, "Hi, who are you and what do you want from me?"
And it wouldn't be bad if this was just a one-time encounter, like I suddenly found myself teleported to some unknown family's Christmas celebration. No, that wouldn't be a problem. But instead, I feel these intense feelings of... ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!.... and it is only intensified by the startling realization of, "Oh my goodness, these people are NEVER GOING AWAY!!!!"
I haven't blogged for the past few weeks or so because I've been pretty busy. And everytime I've had a chance to sit down and type something out, I've had this exact issue on my mind. But for the past few weeks, I've managed to talk myself out of writing a post with such a personal topic. I really felt that this wasn't an issue I should bring to the blogosphere. But I think that I need to get this off my chest, and to others besides poor Job, who has angelically put up with my petty hardships in an eerily familiar form (think St. Job the Righteous, who had that treacherous wife).
Of course, there are some aspects to these problems that run much deeper, like the fact that one of my housemates is dating Job's brother... making it difficult--no, impossible--to escape the in-law family "circle of trust." For the most part, though, I think I'll stop here.
There. Now you get to see the ugly side of me (and there is much to be seen!). My main purpose in this, though, is to gain your prayers regarding this issue. As I mentioned above, I hate feeling this way; I really do. Please remember me, a sinner, in your prayers. Or else I might hop a plane to some remote desert land and cash in my chips for the ascetic life, where demonic attacks seem far less threatening than a life with in-laws.....
I'm kidding.
4 comments:
Katie,
I chuckled when I read this post--not in a mocking sense, but because this burden showed so clearly in your face Christmas night.
It is hard finding out who you are and how you fit in a new family. Ask your sister about this! Sometimes mere civility is about all we can muster. As for love, tenderness, intimacy—these may nor may never come with our in-laws and there is no reason to feel bad about their absence. Especially in such a short amount of time.
I love spending time with your folks and I am blessed that we share much in common (our sense of humor but especially our Faith). Not all of us are so blessed. There will always be a deep and painful sense of separation from those who will not share the Cup with us—family or not.
My advice, if you want any, is that you try and see in them what you see in Steve. There is a large part of them in him and there is a chance that, with time and prayer, you may start to see something that will open your heart to them. Hopefully that will be enough for you to, at least for the present, not want to scream at them in your head!
Karl and Carrie,
Thanks so much for your words... I was hoping I'd get some heart-felt insight from some married folks. And who better than you two??? :D Perhaps I can glean more of your hard-earned wisdom in a face-to-face conversation? But seriously, I've taken your words to heart. Thank you again.
Love you both so much!
Katie-
In my experience- any unhappiness or negativity toward the inlaws has stemmed from me just missing my own family and feeling upset that I couldn't be with them. It really helps to know how much your husband cares about his family, and how much he would love for all of your to get along together. I feel like Ross could probably relate to you with this better than I can. I'm the one with the family that's not always easy to get along with. Ross gets infuriated with my sisters as much as I do (even moreso sometimes) and the way he deals with it is to find common ground with them. Ross and my sisters all have the same music and humor taste in common- so we milk that when we're all together. We know that we shouldn't mention politics or religion very often.
I really hope this all gets worked out soon. To this day, my mom and her inlaws don't get along, and it causes her too much pain at family gatherings. I'm sure that Steve's family is wonderful. It's just crazy sometimes to know that you're gaining a new family- and sometimes you just don't want to! (also remember that Steve may go through this sometimes!)
Anyway, I hope that helped!
Amy
Hi Katie, I'm a regular lurker at Karl's blog and others on his list. I've been married 14 yrs and I still struggle with the family differences...it's like we're from different planets! (& we supposedly share a similiar background and faith). I especially struggle to connect with my MIL. I really have to work on not taking things personally, even tho things hit in a very personal way. I guess I tell you this to affirm that becoming part of another family is hard work, can take time and prayer, and still may not look like you want it. Be kind to yourself, to Job, and set attainable goals for your own behavior and attitudes. And keep praying.
Singing "Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal" quietly to myself for 20 miles once got me through a field trip bus ride with 3rd graders. :)
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